Instruction
A very common reason for the lack of empathy is not the inability to feel it, but the unwillingness to look at others. Psychologists always point out that couples who have serious problems do not sympathize with each other. In this case, the partner is often perceived from a selfish position. Each partner wants the other to pay attention to him first, to do what is “necessary”. But the one who shows attention first will always win. Of course, attention should be genuine and disinterested, and not based on a response.
Empathy is the understanding of what exactly is lacking in another person. Sometimes it is enough to look at others to understand what they need. This allows you to deeply understand the needs of others, soften any relationship. Empathy is especially needed by those who receive it the least: children and the elderly. Empathy is the basis for building deep and trusting relationships with both the child and the parents.
The problem for showing empathy is often the fear of pain or selfishness. Try to deal with it. If you feel that someone from those around you who depend on you needs help, then you will have to provide it, even forgetting about your own goals that previously seemed a priority. For example, if you are a business person, then, having sympathized with your wife, who is waiting for you in the evenings from work, you will try to come home early, although before that such a requirement seemed absurd.
Sometimes a person is accused of a lack of empathy, not because he really does not understand others, but because he does not express his feelings. You can feel for someone, but if you don't talk about it, then some people will sometimes consider you heartless. Especially often this is faced by people who are not used to talking about their feelings. Try to be more open with loved ones. If you feel something - say it, such a policy will allow you to establish trusting relationships and get rid of the accusations that you do not know how to sympathize.
It's hard to sympathize with something you don't understand. For example, some young and inexperienced people have great difficulty empathizing with the elderly. It is not in vain that they say that "the well-fed does not understand the hungry." If you encounter someone's life experience that is very different from yours, try to put yourself in that person's shoes. Do not judge harshly, even if someone has made what seems to you an unforgivable mistake. In general, it is better not to judge anyone. You don't know what you would do if you were in a similar situation. When it is harder for someone than you, and you understand this difference, feel the pain of this person - this is called sympathy.
Empathy is not only the ability to understand what other people are experiencing. It is also the ability to be attentive, treat others with tact and courtesy. Try to help people. Make it a habit for yourself to do a good deed, like once a week. The feelings that come over you when you help someone will not only help you learn empathy, but also become a more kind and merciful person.
Empathizer - a person who comes to a meeting with another person in order to be near in grief and joy. “Empathy for a suffering person excludes merging with him, when “I am you, you are me,” warns psychologist Olga Krasnikova, author of the book “Loneliness”*. “Merger is the path to dependency.”
Here are some guidelines to help you find the sweet spot:
1. Just be around. Personal presence is sometimes much more difficult, but also more important than "objective" substantive assistance.
The ability to listen and hear can be developed. To begin with, it would be nice to learn to be silent when someone speaks, without trying to interrupt him, pick up, be sure to express / impose your opinion, comment, give your interpretation or assessment. But how difficult it can be - silently, carefully, delving into every word and intonation, to listen to what a person is trying to convey to us. By the way, sometimes the goal of the narrator is not at all for the interlocutor to understand him - it is important for him to understand himself better. So to give a person the opportunity to speak out, to be heard and heard often means to render him an invaluable service.
3. To understand means to accept the language and meanings of another. Formally, we use the same language, but in reality we speak different languages. Our language is filled with personal meanings that reflect personal experience. Personal experience is a context that defines additional meanings of speech. To penetrate into the personal meaning, that is, to understand another, you need to make an effort and listen, learn to recognize the nuances of his speech. This requires attention and time. Sometimes to understand is to help.
You may not share the feelings that a person is experiencing at all, for example, not see the reasons for his resentment or guilt, even consider that he is wrong about something. But it is important to recognize his right to feel now what he feels - resentment, guilt, anger, grief, without trying to convince him, reason with him, without seeking the triumph of justice, without appreciating him and what is happening to him. Having received emotional support and acceptance, a person is more likely to calm down and be able to look at his situation with a more sober look and, perhaps, see that he was wrong. And most importantly, he will not feel lonely.
* Olga Krasnikova – counseling psychologist, head of the Interlocutor psychological center, author of the books Lateness and Unfulfilled Promises (Nicaea, 2014) and Loneliness (Nicaea, scheduled for release in October).
A serious illness becomes a test for both the patient and his family. How to reconcile and accept the situation, how to find the strength to fight for recovery, how not to lose faith and how to gain it. We talk about all this with the psychologist of the Orthodox Crisis Center Inna Mirzoeva.
– When our loved one is going through severe suffering, much more severe than we ourselves have ever experienced, it can be difficult to find the right words and topics to talk with him. The question arises how to properly express your sympathy.
- The answer is simple. The most important thing is sincerity, love and attention. Often it is enough to be near, to hold the hand, and no words are needed at the same time. Sometimes we are afraid to upset the patient - we try to transfer the conversation to extraneous topics. Metropolitan Anthony of Surozh wrote that these conversations are devastating, because they are a screen for us to protect ourselves from anxiety. But, at the same time, we defend ourselves against truth and veracity. And for patients, this is very dangerous, since gossip leads a person away from reality and deprives him of the strength to fight the disease.
While visiting the sick in the first Moscow hospice, which was created with the blessing of Vladyka Anthony, I read the instructions he had created for communicating with the sick. It contains these words:
“It is important for a person who cares for a seriously ill person to learn to be like a musical string, which in itself does not make a sound, but after the touch of a finger, it begins to sound.” All human relationships are based on this. The point is that the right words are always in the process of communication. The most important thing is that the person who is nearby simply feels our sincere sympathy. If we have it, then we will say everything correctly. We must move away from empty words.
- It happens that by our actions we encourage the patient's pity for himself. How to avoid it?
- First of all, it is necessary to show utmost attention to the condition of the patient. I'll give you an example. I was approached by an elderly woman undergoing chemotherapy. She is in stage four cancer. The condition is serious, but she is used to taking care of herself. For her, rest, lying in bed is tantamount to death. And she cries because her sister protects her from all worries. The sister forces the patient to lie down and does not allow anything to be done. This is a terrible situation. Pity and overprotection are not productive. It takes love and partnership. Everyone has their own internal resources. Thanks to these resources, a person fights. And if you take on all the duties and all the responsibility, you will deprive him of the opportunity to act independently, deprive him of the strength to fight. If you face the truth, then relatives who are too protective of the patient think more about themselves - how to do everything faster so that there is less hassle. And you need to think about a sick person - how he feels better.
There is another extreme. It happens that a seriously ill person goes through a stage of denial of the disease. He tries not to notice that his physical condition has changed, he lives the same life, taking on the same worries. And help is needed! And in front of my eyes, many tragedies connected with this unfolded. The man survived the most difficult treatment, weakened, but he gets up through force, walks a few steps and faints. And there are no relatives nearby ... because the patient himself did not ask for help in time. In such a situation, relatives themselves need to be very attentive, they need to analyze, draw their own conclusions and help in time.
- And if a person is embarrassed to accept help even from the closest people?
– Indeed, there are many people who hardly accept help. They are used to being patrons themselves. In psychology, there is such a thing as congruence. This is when our feelings and behavior coincide. If we are congruent, sincere, then the person will still accept our help. Any falseness is felt. If you really sincerely want to help, it is unlikely that your help will be rejected.
- Physically suffering people are characterized by mood swings that are difficult for loved ones to understand.
- You need to know that a seriously ill patient goes through several stages in his psychological state. These stages - shock, aggression, depression and acceptance of the disease - are very well described by Andrey Vladimirovich Gnezdilov, psychotherapist, founder of the hospice in St. Petersburg. The sequence of stages may be different. Some of the patients can avoid aggression, while others may not accept their illness. But in general, the change of these psychological states is very characteristic.
The most dangerous stage is the shock stage. In this state, suicide is possible. And the patient needs special attention and support. At the stage of aggression, a person pours out his feelings. And, if we are nearby, we must give the opportunity to pour out these feelings. Because the patient cannot keep them in himself. Otherwise, aggression can result in auto-aggression, a destructive state. I understand that families are having a hard time. But you need to be aware that the patient needs to go through this, and show sympathy and understanding.
Often, relatives begin to sound the alarm when the patient is overcome by depression. But we must remember that not always depression should be hammered with drugs. Pain must be endured, because through suffering guilt is redeemed, through suffering a person can come to God. When the onset of depression is "killed" with the help of antidepressants, pathological personality changes are possible. If a person does not survive depression, he may not come to realize his true state, he will not have the strength to fight.
It is better to find a qualified psychiatrist or clinical psychologist who will help you properly survive all stages of the disease.
– Very often, patients complain: first, a relative plunges headlong into my problems, literally takes all the worries on himself. And then he overstrains, his strength dries up. As a result, the patient remains completely unattended. It must be remembered that, of course, if a loved one falls ill, we will need a lot of patience and work, but care should be reasonable. It is necessary for a person to see that we care about him with love and joy.
And we can survive the illness of a loved one only with God's help. You need to turn to God more, confess, take communion.
– Often the Orthodox relatives of a non-church sick person really want him to receive the sacraments of confession, communion, unction, but the person himself is not ready for this. What is the best course of action to take in this case?
We need to pray for this person. Anthony of Surozhsky said this beautifully: “The imposition of God at the hour of death on a person, when he renounces God, is simply cruel. If he says that he does not believe in God, then you can say: “You do not believe, but I believe. I will talk with my God, and you listen to how we talk to each other.
If a person is ready for a dialogue about faith, then you can carefully tell him about your experience. Then we offered our patients books and CDs. And in my experience through books, including modern authors, people came to faith.
A few years ago a man came to us for a long time doing yoga. When he became ill, he experienced severe depression. He was a highly educated and intelligent person who, in his spiritual search, reached a dead end. Illness led to faith. It happened literally in front of my eyes. He asked to be introduced to the priest, talked, read. At some point, I realized that I was leading people along the wrong path. Gathered his students and announced it to them. And before his death he took monasticism.
- In a difficult situation, it is natural for a person to hope for a miracle. Were there people among your patients who were healed by faith?
– I want to say that miracles do happen and people need to talk about it. But we must remember that everything is God's providence. I have come across cases that can only be called miraculous. Once a young woman came to us in severe depression - her husband left her with a small child. She brought her aunt to the reception. My aunt has a cancerous tumor - melanoma. Doctors confirmed the diagnosis, the operation was scheduled for Monday. On Saturday we went to the temple. She confessed there, took communion. She stood at the icon for a long time, praying. In the evening, my colleague calls me and says: "They say that the tumor is decreasing." We didn't believe. But it turned out that this is indeed the case. The doctors were unable to explain what had happened. This woman, thank God, is now alive. She constantly calls us, thanks, but we say that we should not be thanked. She said that she prayed in desperation that day. She said that she didn’t even ask for herself: “Lord give me a little life to support my niece.” The disease did not return.
One more case. A man with kidney cancer was brought in for surgery, but there was no tumor. The professor cursed, suspected that they had mixed up the patients. And in a conversation with his wife, it turned out that right before the operation, a priest came and christened him.
Healings are happening. Each of us working with seriously ill people can remember them. An Orthodox person, if he falls ill, should receive a blessing, be treated, communicate with a confessor, pray, take communion. To believe is the most important thing. Without this it is very difficult.
Letter to the editor:
Hello! I have a question about how to help a loved one, but not in a material sense, but to support him humanly. Because with this, something is always not what it seems to me. For example, you helped with money or did something else, but what to say when a person just feels bad, when he cries or constantly complains to you? As usual, you say “everything will be fine” or “don’t cry”, but this is somehow past, and what else to say, I just don’t know - I can’t look into his soul, and I’m still not his mom or dad . I feel very uncomfortable in such cases, as if I do not meet the expectations of a person, it seems to me that he begins to think that in fact I do not care about his problems, although I honestly want to help. What can be done here?
Andrey, Vyborg
Psychologist Alexander Tkachenko answers the reader's question
You will regret it. How to support a person so that he does not get worse
“Man is a creature suffering in the world and compassionate, wounded by pity, this is the height of human nature,” wrote the Russian religious philosopher Nikolai Berdyaev. We all experience grief ourselves from time to time or we grieve together with other sufferers, supporting them in difficult times. But we do it very differently. For some people, empathy seems natural, like breathing, they do not experience serious difficulties in communicating with a suffering person. Others are forced to make a serious effort for this. Sometimes it is so serious that there is simply not enough strength for sympathy and the person generally refuses to participate in someone else's misfortune. And with the side receiving sympathy, too, everything is not as simple as it might seem.
Many are familiar with the situation when, in a difficult moment, they suddenly begin to “comfort” you so persistently that you are ready to forget about your grief, just to get rid of this “help” as soon as possible.
But no matter how complex and contradictory the variants of such relationships may be, the person in them still remains the same - a suffering and compassionate creature, wounded by pity. This is the measure of our humanity, its necessary minimum, falling below which, a person simply ceases to be a person. Therefore, for each of us, a skill is an urgent need, which, alas, not everyone possesses - the ability to sympathize without collapsing from someone else's pain and without causing even greater suffering to another with their pity.
But before starting a conversation about this skill, it is necessary to make a digression on an equally important topic - about personal boundaries.
Thesis one: Respect for the personal boundaries of another person is a necessary condition for love in its Christian understanding
When we hear the word "border", we immediately associate it with a certain separation, fencing off from something. But this is by no means the only function of boundaries. Oddly enough, it is they that create the possibility of interstate relations, treaties of mutual assistance, trade, and cooperation. If there were no borders between states, the states themselves would disappear as subjects of these relations. In the same way, any relationship between people is possible only where there is me, there is another, and there are boundaries that determine where I end and where the other begins. Where these boundaries do not exist, relationships disappear, giving way to unconscious service of other people's feelings, needs, whims and sins, which a person begins to perceive as his own.
Paradoxically, personal boundaries allow us to maintain freedom, without which even love turns into a faceless fusion, when one person becomes part of another, losing independent being.
Christian writer C. S. Lewis directly called this “love-devouring” demonic. Here is how Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh comments on his thoughts: “... When we say that we love a person, what does it really mean? There is an English writer Lewis who wrote a book of letters from an old demon to his young nephew… It is really about the spiritual life, only inside out; and this old devil gives professional advice to a young imp, who has just been released into the world, on how to treat people, what to do in order to seduce and destroy them ...
And by the way, he says in one of his letters with bewilderment: “I can’t understand ... Christ says that He loves people and leaves them free. How to combine it? And he continues: “I love you, but this means that I want to take you in my claws, hold you so that you don’t run away from me, swallow you, make my food out of you, digest you so that you don’t nothing would be left outside of me. That's what I, - says the old devil, - I call love. And Christ, he says, loves and sets free…”
So, respect for the personal boundaries of another person is a necessary condition for love in its Christian understanding. This means that we can show Christian compassion for our neighbor only by respecting other people's borders and not forgetting our own.
Thesis two: A request for help can hide completely different needs of a person
People often need compassion, sometimes almost openly asking for it. However, behind such a request there may be very different needs, which I would like to briefly describe, dividing them into several categories.
1. A real need for emotional support.
It is experienced by people who are in trouble and feel that they themselves can no longer cope with their grief. To describe here in detail the different options for difficult life situations, probably, does not make sense. In addition, the psychological resistance to stress in people is different. Someone is able to courageously survive the death of loved ones, loss of health, divorce, betrayal of friends. And for someone, an unbearable test can be a protracted quarrel with parents or a bad grade in the grade book. Therefore, without specifying, we will simply accept as a fact that everyone who is now very ill belongs to this category.
2. Unmet need for communication.
3. Frank manipulation, which allows you to get what you want from people, against their will.
Actually, the previous category can also be attributed to manipulations, with the only difference being that a person who seeks communication and spiritual warmth most often manipulates his neighbors unconsciously. However, the same principle can be used, quite clearly understanding what exactly and for what purpose you are doing now. For example, start a conversation with a description of your own troubles and suffering, make the interlocutor feel guilty for being so happy and prosperous in comparison with you. And after that - carefully negotiate for yourself all sorts of preferences and bonuses in the relationship. After all, an imposed sense of guilt, like a thieves' master key, is one of the main tools forcing a person to do for you what he did not intend to do of his own free will.
With the first point, everything is obvious: a person needs help, which means that it should be competently provided. But with points 2 and 3, the situation is somewhat more complicated. Although, it would seem, what is simpler: manipulation is an unworthy business, and, having discovered it in a relationship, you should immediately stop communicating with such people. However, what if the manipulators suddenly turned out to be not some kind of railway station swindlers who trade fortune-telling, but the people closest to you - your mother, grandmother, grown children, or just someone whose communication you value?
Thesis three: Manipulators do not necessarily need to be indignantly excluded from the number of people worthy of sympathy, pity, compassion
They also need help, just a different kind. And here you need to be able to recognize their true need in order to give them exactly what they are waiting for. So, for example, it is not at all necessary to console or cheer up a person who is experiencing a lack of communication, listening to all his moans. Instead of participating in a performance about fictional sorrows that is being imposed on you, it will be much more productive to carefully transfer the conversation to topics that are really interesting to a person.
After all, he just wants to talk, he wants to be listened to, shown attention. Therefore, leaving his tear-squeezing story about the vanity of life without reaction, you can ask him about the unique recipe for grandmother's borscht, about what kind of bait is best for perch in winter, or who was the vocalist of Deep Purple in 1975.
With obvious manipulators, the situation is about the same: having skipped the “suffering” introductory part of the conversation and finding out what they really want from you, you should think about whether you are ready to provide this help to a person now. If yes, then in plain text you can say something like this in response: “I understand that you want to ask me to replace you for the holidays and go to work on your shift?” It is very important here that the person himself voiced or confirmed the true content of his request. Then, from manipulation, your relationship will move into a normal conversation between two adults, each of whom takes responsibility for their behavior. If for some reason you cannot or do not want to provide the expected service, in the same way you should first clarify with the interlocutor what exactly he wants from you. Then calmly and politely refuse him.
It would seem that all this has nothing to do with compassion and pity for one's neighbor. But, unfortunately, many cases when sympathy is expected from us turn out to be ordinary manipulations, where they are simply going to use us "in the dark" to satisfy their needs, while completely ignoring our desires and capabilities. To indulge a manipulator in this is an obvious sin against a neighbor who, like a Lewis demon, seeks to deprive of freedom and make everyone he “loves” a part of himself.
Thesis Four: Christian compassion cannot be forced
In such a state, any manifestations of your compassion can hardly be called the fulfillment of the Christian commandment of mercy: Bear one another's burdens, and thus fulfill the law of Christ ”(Gal 6: 1-2). After all, you can take on these burdens voluntarily, or you can simply suddenly find someone else’s luggage around your neck, which is attached there without your permission, along the way cooing in your ears that, they say, this luggage is actually yours, you just used to be do not know.
Obviously, even with good intentions, one should not participate in someone else's deceit, trying to pull the clothes of compassion on ordinary human weakness and lack of will.
Jesus Christ, giving His life as a sacrifice for people who had fallen away from God, said: No one takes it from Me, but I myself give it. I have power to give it, and I have power to receive it again. This commandment I received from my Father (John 10:18). Such power - to voluntarily sacrifice oneself for the sake of others - every Christian receives in holy baptism. And this is indeed a power that must be cherished, not forgetting its high origin. Christian compassion cannot be forced; it is always the fruit of a free choice in favor of love. Where they try to squeeze out this compassion with deceit and manipulation, it is just right to remember how the Pharisees tried to deceive Jesus Christ, asking him for spiritual guidance. And how did they finally receive this instruction, but only after the angry words of the Teacher: Why tempt Me, you hypocrites?
Thesis Five: Compassionate people can also have various motives, sometimes having little to do with the actual participation in the pain of another person.
Such, for example, are the motives for helping people with weak personal boundaries. Next to someone else's misfortune - real or imaginary - they always feel guilty and with their compassion, as it were, try to atone for this guilt, although they have not been guilty of anything. The absence of personal boundaries turns the soul of such a person into a courtyard where anyone can invade and behave as he pleases. Such people more often than others become victims of manipulators, they are unable to refuse anyone, because in case of refusal, the feeling of guilt can become unbearable.
From the outside it may seem that this is a real sacrifice. But in fact, people of this type, through compassion, only serve their painful dependence on someone else's emotional state.
The main sign of such “wrong” compassion can be considered the feelings of the helper himself after helping. An everlasting feeling of guilt, “drawn in” into someone else’s problem so much that a person thinks about it all the time, forgetting about his own affairs, as well as the slight irritation caused by all this, which constantly has to be suppressed - this is a picture of compassion that, instead of helping another, can destroy the most compassionate .
Sixth thesis: It is impossible under the guise of help and compassion to get involved in the realization of one's ambitions
Another option for substituting motives is an unfulfilled thirst for power, control over other people. A person crushed by grief is very defenseless. In this state, he may feel like Small child in need of adult assistance. And if the helper has a hidden desire to manage and dominate, in such a situation he should be very attentive to his feelings so that, under the guise of help and compassion, he is not carried away by the realization of his ambitions.
Other “goodies” are also possible, for the sake of which a person is ready to endure someone else’s pain, for example, confirmation of one’s own significance or a feeling of being needed, in demand.
There is nothing terrible in this. To do good for the sake of good itself is the work of perfect and impassive people. And to do good, keeping in mind also our own benefit, is the lot of most of us. The Monk Abba Dorotheos in his Soul-Beneficial Teachings writes: “In three ways ... we can please God — or we please Him, fearing torment, and then we are in the state of a slave; or, seeking a reward, we fulfill the commands of God for our own benefit, and therefore we become like hirelings; or we do good for the sake of good itself, and then we are in the state of a son.
And if we suddenly discover that our compassion is not completely disinterested, this only means that in fulfilling Christ's commandment about mercy, we are still like a slave or a hired hand.
But such compassion, according to the words of Abba Dorotheus, is also pleasing to God. It is only important to be aware of these “side” motives in oneself and try to keep them under control, remembering that the main task here is to satisfy the needs of a person in trouble.
Thesis seven: One of the main rules in dealing with a grieving person can be formulated as follows: if you don’t know what to say, it’s better to be silent
The price of an empty or thoughtless word in a crisis situation increases many times, instead of support and consolation, it can inflict another wound on an already suffering person.
Although it’s also not easy to be silent next to someone else’s grief. Compassion is shared suffering. And it happens that at first a person sincerely wants to help, support his neighbor in trouble. But, approaching his pain, taking part of it on himself, he cannot stand it and tries to escape this pain by any means. It seems as if conscience does not allow to leave the grieving person completely (although it also happens: a person, out of fear of re-experiencing someone else's pain in compassion, simply stops picking up the phone, does not visit, does not answer letters).
And then, as if by themselves, they begin to break out, alas, the formulas of “consolation” that have already become traditional: “Don’t cry, others are worse off than you”, “Now he (the deceased) is better than us”, “It’s good that you are not the only child." All these and similar phrases are by no means born of compassion, but a feeling directly opposite to it - the desire of a frightened heart to devalue someone else's pain, and only after that take on a part of such "neutralized" suffering. Of course, these attempts do not bring any relief to the grieving, since they are aimed at satisfying the needs of the frightened "pityer".
Another way to escape from someone else's pain under the guise of sympathy is a direct ban on mourning: “Well, are you limp? Cheer up, control yourself”, “Don’t worry, everything will be fine”, “You must endure, you need to live on”.
And, finally, the most “noble” option is a comparison with a loved one: “When my mother died, I almost went crazy”, “I know how difficult it is for you now, I went through it myself.”
All these seemingly intended to console words actually perform only one task - to stop a person from experiencing his grief, or at least reduce its strength. Because it hurts us next to him. And we don't want to hurt.
Thesis eight: A grieving person needs to be helped to go through all the stages of mourning
Meanwhile, a grieving person has a completely different need. He must certainly give vent to the emotions that are now literally tearing him apart. If they are simply suppressed (namely, this is what the “pity” options described above suggest), they can later do a lot of trouble, causing neuroses and psychosomatic diseases.
Therefore, a grieving person must first of all be helped to go through all the stages of mourning, to feel the pain of loss, to cry out, to get angry, to simply complain, to complain, to cry on the shoulder of those who are ready to listen to all this without collapsing and without interrupting this vital process.
Once upon a time in the villages there was such a special profession - mourners. These were women who were invited to the funeral to create a mournful atmosphere. The mourners acted as a kind of "detonator" of emotions, which in grieving relatives could be suppressed by the shock of the misfortune that had fallen on them. Next to the inconsolably sobbing mourners, it was easier for a grieving person to finally give vent to tears and sobs, freeing himself from the terrible consequences of unworked out stress at the bodily level. Today, there is no such profession, and many people consider crying even in mournful circumstances unacceptable for themselves.
Meanwhile, this is an absolutely natural movement of human nature, and the best proof of this is the tears of Jesus Christ, meeting the weeping relatives and friends of the deceased Lazarus. Moreover, Christians have a direct commandment about just such help to those who are grieving: ... weep with those who weep (Rom. 12:15).
If there is no spiritual strength for this, one can remember how his friends sympathized with the righteous Job, who came to support him in grief: ... And they sat with him on the earth for seven days and seven nights; and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great (Job 2:13). Then Job suddenly becomes angry and curses the night of his conception, the day of his birth and his whole life. He speaks long and passionately, but again his friends do not interfere with him by word or gesture. Only when Job finished his angry cry, they very delicately enter into a dialogue with him: ... if we try to say a word to you, will it not be hard for you? (Job 4:2). The book of Job is very ancient, the events described in it are more than three thousand years old. However, the behavior of the friends of the suffering Job can still be regarded today as an important practical advice for those who are compassionate. They were simply there, with their silent support helping the sufferer to go through the first two, very difficult stages of mourning - the shock of what happened and the ensuing anger.
Thesis 9: The defining sign of correct compassion is awareness, a clear understanding of the picture of what is happening in one’s own soul
But here it must be repeated once again that being close to other people's tears and other people's anger is not at all an easy task. Two very different psychological processes help us to exercise compassion - empathy and fusion. The practical result of our actions will directly depend on which one we use.
With empathy, we sympathize with another person, that is, we feel with him, understanding what is happening to him, what he needs. However, at the same time, we continue to perceive our feelings as well, we understand what and why is happening at the same moment with our soul.
That is, we are again talking about the presence of personal boundaries that allow compassion without identifying oneself with the grieving, remaining oneself. If there are no boundaries or they are too blurred, we also feel together with another person, but - as if we merge with him, "losing" ourselves. The most striking signs of such a merger are an irrational sense of guilt and responsibility for the consequences of other people's actions. When merging, it is immeasurably more difficult to withstand the load of someone else's pain. Therefore, such compassion most often ends either in an escape from an overwhelming burden, or in the rapid depletion of one's own resources, when the one who helps will already need someone's support.
The famous Austrian writer Stefan Zweig described the duality of the human desire for sympathy with amazing accuracy: “There are two kinds of compassion. One is cowardly and sentimental, it is, in essence, nothing more than the impatience of the heart, in a hurry to get rid of the painful feeling at the sight of someone else's misfortune; it is not compassion, but only an instinctive desire to protect one's peace from the suffering of one's neighbor. But there is another kind of compassion - true compassion, which requires action, not sentiment, it knows what it wants, and is determined, suffering and compassionate, to do everything that is in human strength and even beyond them. Probably, only the last phrase of Stefan Zweig could be argued: taking on something that exceeds your strength is still a risky business in any case.
Otherwise, everything here is correct both from a Christian and a psychological point of view. The defining sign of correct compassion is awareness, a clear understanding of the picture of what is happening in one’s own soul, which “knows what it wants.”
It is the conscious experience of someone else's pain, the desire to help and the willingness to endure this someone else's pain that allows a person to remain in compassion and act for the benefit of the sufferer. Or, more simply, they allow, according to the apostolic word, to weep with those who weep and, as Berdyaev said, to be a suffering and compassionate being, wounded by pity. That is, a person.
Collages by Maria Ivanova
